Yet another bad day. A day where the pain just takes over. My whole being hurts. Everyone says "Stay positive." They, obviously, have never endured anything like this.
There are good days & bad days. And some days there are periods of both. Not knowing, for me, is the hardest.
I'm a planner. That's what I do. I plan ahead months in advance. I make lists, every day. I calculate everything. I know what someone is thinking before they start to say it. I hate being spontaneous and I hate surprises. I, I guess, am a creature of habit. Now...When you find out you have a disease/disorder/syndrome....but....no one quite knows what it is, you can see my dilemma. I can't control this. I can't even plan to wake up for work in the morning. I can't even have a daily schedule anymore. Some days I am up all night, therefore, I sleep all day. Aside from the pain I am in, the situation itself is driving me insane! And on top of it all, the top emotion I get from people is pity. I am the caregiver. I am the one who is supposed to help others. I keep the balance in my own world. Now, I can't do any of that. It's me who needs the help. Me who is scared to tell my loved ones that it's 'another bad day' for fear that they will judge me, pity me....Something. This whole disease business has made me crazy. Irrational at times. I have always been a positive person, but she's been slipping away, rather quickly. And I have to make sure she doesn't disappear all together.
Another bad day. Another whirlwind of emotions.
If any one is out there reading this. I'm glad you care. And I hope my severe negativity, is counter balance by my quick wit. Ha. I'm funnier in person.
Without my humor, i'd be a miserable human being. Seriously.
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